Musings of A Forgotten Queen
by Sapphire Nymph
Summary: Would you dare marry the man you love when you know that he is in love with another? A man who cares for you and loves you, but is not in love with you? I dared.


Would you dare marry the man you love when you know that he is in love with another? A man who cares for you and loves you, but is not in love with you?

Love and in love are two entirely different things, take note.

I dared to do the only thing that I could to keep them away from each other. I was scared that he'd forget about me as the days went by. Now, I regret that foolish, selfish decision of mine.

Is this how it feels to be in a loveless marriage?

At least, one-sided love.

Dear Agni, I do not wish the same fate to befall anyone else.

I could have let them be, and scoured the world for my own prince, m own happiness. The man who would love me as much if not more than my love for him.

I took away his chance to have a future with her, his beloved. But, there is something that has been troubling me, if he truly did love her as everyone has suspected, then why did he agree to this marriage and my demands?

Maybe, he was afraid to hurt me. After all, we have been engaged since birth. I really don't know, I don't dare ask him.

Before, I fooled myself into believing that maybe, someday, he would learn to love me. But now, I know better. I am just another one of his obligations.

Opposites attract, it's a fact. Can that be the reason why they seem to be drawn together?

They were attracted to each other, it was obvious to everyone.

I just forced myself not to see what was there.

After the war, I thought we could finally have our happily ever after. I wanted to have him for myself; I didn't want to share him with anyone else.

How stupid, how immature, how selfish, how wrong I was then.

It had been his destiny to become Fire Lord since before he was born and undo the wrong his father had done before him. He was the whole nation's, not mine alone.

But is it my fault that I was blinded by the love I felt for him?

I should have known that even if he became mine in name and body, his heart would never be mine. For he had given it to her long before.

His heart belonged to her, just as her heart was his own to hold and cherish. It belongs to her and it will forever be hers.

I am not blind, though, sometimes, I wished I could not see what I didn't wish to see.

Things like him watching her with all the love he had for her shining in his bright amber eyes. Every time his gaze lands on her, it softens. His entire being relaxes in her presence.

He needs her. Not in the fish-needs-water kind of neediness.

But the way benders need their elements.

He can't imagine life without bending, just as he can't imagine life without her.

It should be her by his side, not me. I don't deserve it. I should just have faded into the shadows, the second I had the chance.

I should have never forced myself into the picture.

To tell you the truth, it seems as if the entire universe is against our marriage. Maybe the universe just hates me.

You should have seen the congregation the day we were to announce our engagement.

She was there, standing alongside the old general. A small, sort of wistful, smile on her face.

The Avatar and his little group was there, the whole Fire Nation had gathered.

They were all waiting to hear what the Fire Lord had to say with eager and expectant grins on each and every face.

When he announced that we were to be married, all those smiles were wiped off all those faces.

It was as if everything went into a standstill.

It was so silent that I could almost hear the waves that crashed on the shore miles away from the capital city.

If you expected loud, boisterous cheers, then you are sadly mistaken.

His face was neutral, no emotion whatsoever. The only thing that betrayed his inner turmoil was the fact that he had been gripping the steel railings so hard that his knuckles whitened.

Everyone had expected them to get together, no one expected the dark horse, myself, to come running in and ruin what was supposed to be their happy ending.

If they had gotten together, I'm sure that not many would have protested against it.

She was a great choice for Fire Lady, save for the fact that she was not of the Fire Nation.

She was passionate in all things; it was trait that she and Zuko shared.

He was best for the Fire Nation, she was best for him.

And I took it all away from her.

Have I told you that she had been crying on mine and Zuko's wedding day?

No, I don't think I have.

She was crying on our wedding day for reasons I don't know.

All I can do is presume.

Maybe, she had been crying tears of joy for me because I had finally attained my deep desire. Maybe, she had been crying for herself because he had been pulled away from her grasp.

Maybe she was regretting, maybe she was hating.

I'll never know.

Why hadn't they fought harder for their love? Why didn't they get together before I forced myself into the equation? They could have had it all and more.

"Mother, please don't forget the dinner with the Avatar tonight."

I glanced at my son who had appeared in front of me without a sound. He bowed to me in respect, as was customary. And then, he left.

His words were polite, but it lacked warmth. I'm certain he got it from me; he is my son, after all.

But if I had not experienced the pain of childbirth, then I would have never believed him to come from my own womb.

He is an exact replica of Zuko, even Zuko's love for Katara was passed on to Ren.

When you looked into his eyes, you'd see the enigma that was the Crown Prince Ren. But if you dared to look deeper, Katara's light would come shining through.

That child is mine only in name.

Maybe that's the reason why Zuko married me, to have an heir. Because of the war and the scars it gave her, the healers told her that she was barren. Unable to give birth.

But she loved children.

She was the head healer on the day of Ren's birth, and when he was born, it seemed as if he was immediately magnetized to her.

He cried when someone else but Katara carried him in their arms.

There was no choice but to have her be his nursemaid.

It was a win-win situation. She adored Ren.

I had no qualms about it, I had never been the mothering type. That was more of her area of expertise.

And maybe, I think I knew I owed her at least this much.

Katara was more of a mother to him that I'll ever be.

When she died saving my life, Ren blamed me.

I don't fault him for doing so, it was my own fault.

I was in a part of the gardens where I had no business being in.

She was walking down the dirt path, she saw the assassin before I even noticed her.

She saw him draw his bow and position it in my direction.

She ran towards me and pushed me away, not thinking to use her bending on the assassin.

She was the one who got shot, the arrow had been poisoned.

I threw my knives toward the assassin, pinning him to a tree.

The guards found me trying to keep Katara awake, I owe her my life.

I wanted to hate her, but how can I hate her when I was the one who took it all from her and yet, she didn't hate me?

I know because she told me, as she was on her death bed, she told me she forgave me long before.

She said she wasn't the type to simply forgive but she had already forgiven me because she knew how love could make you do things you never dared to do before.

I knew she was thinking of Zuko.

I was at a loss of words, but there was no need for words save for two.

"Thank you," I told her, more sincere than anything else.

She said nothing else, she only smiled and closed her eyes.

Zuko then arrived into the room, his face was blank. But there was a deep sadness in his eyes, a sadness I had not seen since Lady Ursa and General Iroh passed on.

Before I left the room, I heard him utter the three words he had never told me.

"I love you, Katara."

I didn't have to be in the room to know that she said those three words back.

She died at dawn that day, when the day meets the night.

It's been 3 years since her death.

No one has really gotten over it. Not even me.

I don't have to be psychic to know that deep inside, most of them blame me despite trying not to.

Maybe, it's time for the Fire Lady to make her exit.

It's time to disappear into the shadows, to find my own happiness.

Farewell.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Thank you so much for reading this story of mine.. :)

Don't forget to review!

By the way, is it just me or does it seem as if i made it that Mai is in love with Katara? Not that Mai is in love with her or anything...

just saying...

anyway, Read and review please!


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